


Manhattan Skyline

by woodrosegirl



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: F/M, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2018-11-08 15:50:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11084868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodrosegirl/pseuds/woodrosegirl
Summary: A reworking of the whole adoption arc. Set in Season 2.





	1. Chapter 1

As Cece shut the door behind her, Rufus sank down into a chair, fighting the rising nausea he felt. The lyrics to his damm song about Lily circled around in his head. He’d always meant them metaphorically but now they took on a completely different meaning.

“She ran away, with a piece of me inside of her.”

Cece was sketchy on the details which only angered him further. He wanted to know everything, every single detail of the child he never knew he had.  
Was it a boy or girl? What colour eyes did they have? What were they like when they entered the world? Squirmy and loud like Jenny or quiet and wide eyed like Dan? How did Lily cope with being pregnant? He knew vague bits and pieces from when she was pregnant with Serena and Eric, but they were William’s children, not his. He’d be lying if he said he’d never imagined it…him playing guitar and old Lincoln Hawk songs to her swollen belly, the two of them arguing over dressing the baby in tiny baby rock inspired onesies and t-shirts compared to baby couture.

The mental image that conjured up engulfed his mind and, unable to control the nausea anymore he ran to the bathroom and vomited. Wiping the hair stuck to his forehead he took some deep breaths and tried to calm down.

 _“Miss Lily?”_  
_Lily ignored the maid’s knock, sweeping her damp bangs out of her eyes and trying to control the churning that had decided to take up residence in her stomach. The maid knocked again._  
 _“Miss Lily, is all okay? Your mother wants you downstairs now!”_  
 _Lily sighed heavily._  
 _“Yeah…..everything’s fine…I’ll be down in a minute.”_  
 _She heard the maid walk away and let herself slump down against the toilet. Heartbreak had never done this to her before. Although, she reasoned, fucking a boy and not hearing from him again didn’t really count as ‘heartbreak’_  
 _Was this proper heartbreak? She wondered to herself. Is this how much love is supposed to hurt? Wasn’t it enough that Rufus left a few days ago, leaving her heart empty and her mind utterly confused, that to add to her misery her stomach decides to betray her too?_

_Well, she thought, if heartbreak felt like this, like utter failure, I’ll never let anyone do this to me again. Fucking shouldn’t lead to feelings. But even sleeping with Rufus was completely different to the usual experiences that she’d shared with her favourite ‘boys in bands’ He made it special every time, and none of it felt forced. He made her feel like she had never done before. Free….alive._

_Forcing herself up she adjusted her hair and her clothing, frowning slightly when she realised that her Gucci jacket didn’t quite button up properly around her middle. Must be all that beer with Rufus and the band, she thought. She let out a deep sigh, feeling miserable. Shopping with Cece followed by a luncheon was the very last thing she felt like doing right now. Hearing from Rufus, as much as she hated him for making her feel this way was the only thing that she felt like doing. She’d called a few of his friends, but they all seemed to be on lockdown, and gave her no information._

_“Li-ly!!!!” That was Cece, sounding impatient. “We need to leave now!”_

_Lily quickly unlocks the bathroom door and makes her way downstairs. Cece, seeing her daughter gave her the once over._

_“Darling, button your jacket please.”_  
 _Lily blushed slightly and looked down, not daring to tell her mother that it didn’t seem to fit at the moment._  
 _Plastering on a fake smile she looked back up._  
“This is the new trend Mom, not my fault you don’t know that.”

Rufus hauled himself off his bathroom floor and managed to make it back to his chair to gulp down some water. Glancing at his watch he realised that he had half an hour until he was supposed to meet Lily at Grand Central. The same emotions kept flashing around his mind, anger, betrayal, an overwhelming feeling of sadness and utter confusion. Whose choice was this? He wanted desperately to believe that Lily hadn’t made this decision on her own, and judging by Cece’s demeanour earlier, coupled with the historical knowledge of her ultimatums made him believe that whatever Lily had wanted to do hadn’t been taken into any kind of consideration. He wanted to go to Lily more then anything, wanted to shout and berate her for this twenty year long lie but deep down he know that wouldn’t get him very far. He knew that she wouldn’t deny it, but clam up with the confrontation and that wouldn’t get him any answers in the timeframe that he needed. No, for some more answers, he knew he would have to go back to the source.


	2. Chapter 2

Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she smiled to herself, knowing who it would be before she pulled it out and opened it.

"I thought that would be you." She said, coolly.

"Did you even leave yet?"

"No."

"Because you knew I'd call" Rufus says with a sigh. Cece should have been a chess player instead of a socialite. She was always two or three moves ahead of everyone else.

"So. You forcibly ejected me from your loft." Rufus bit his lip, only Cece could make the word 'loft' sound like a dirty word. "a mere two minutes ago and now you want me to come back and talk to you."

Snarky comebacks swirled around Rufus' head but he fought them back. This wasn't the time to start something with Cece.

"I don't want to talk to you Cece, but I need some answers."

He heard her exhale in annoyance, like he hadn't given her the fight that she had been spoiling for.

"Fine."

Within 30 seconds he sees her shadow darken the doorway of the loft. He opens the door for her, not bothering to placate her with niceties.

"You should be talking to Lily." She says, crossing her arms by the kitchen counter.

As soon as her saw her face again the anger and resentment began to bubble up inside of him. He was sure that it mirrored in the expression on his face but he didn't care.

"You and I both know that I can't do that right now. You….you come here, out of the blue….half an hour before I'm meeting Lily to go away with her and you…you pull this stunt!"

"It's not a stunt Rufus, it's the truth." Her expression hasn't changed despite the clear anger Rufus is showing in front of her, "You can't blame this one on me. I came here to tell you the truth, the truth that Lily should have told you so many years ago. The truth she should have told you as soon as there was any hint whatsoever of the two of you rekindling your relationship. She did neither of those things. I am the one who is here, telling you this now."

Rufus sat for a moment, digesting her words.

"Yes, I understand that, but you could have told me anytime. Anytime!" his voice raises on the last word. "And I'm supposed to believe that you came here out of sudden 'concern' for our relationship?"

Cece pursed her lips.

"As I told you, this may well become public knowledge, and I wanted Lily to have the chance to explain." She laughed a hollow laugh, "Rufus, I know that you enjoy painting me as the devil character in this epic love story between you and my daughter but this situation right now? Not my fault."

No, Cece." He said, his voice sounding shaky. "This situation right now, isn't your fault, but I'm betting it was a different story 20 years ago. Did you force her to go to France? What did you threaten her with? And what about the child, your grandchild Cece…what was it like seeing that child and knowing that you'd never see it again?"

"So now we come to the crux of the matter then." She sighed. "Fine. I made her choose between you and the baby, or her inheritance and her family. She was ready to jump on a bus to come and tell you for God's sake, what was I supposed to do?"

"You could have helped her! You could have helped us all! Instead of threatening her with disbandment and forcing her to flee to some sanatorium thousands of miles away in secrecy!"

Cece crossed her arms and picked up her handbag.

"If that's all, Rufus I'd like to be going now. I don't particularly enjoy being berated for something that I left in the past." Rufus ran his fingers through his hair in frustration as Cece walked towards the door. "But, Rufus" she said, opening the door and stepping into the hallway. "You might want to remember the circumstances leading up to this…the big fight that you and Lily had. She was heartbroken and thought that she was never going to see you again."

"What about the baby." He said simply.

"I don't know anything about the baby, I never saw it. She gave birth on her own. Now, I suggest you go and seek the rest of your answers from Lily."

She shut the door behind her and Rufus watched her shadow disappear down the hallway. His eyes fell on the bags that he had packed earlier. That dream of running off with Lily now seemed like a lifetime ago.

Everything had changed.

_Lily tugged the dress down as hard as she could, finding with annoyance that she had the same problem as she had earlier with her jacket. How can I have being throwing up for three days and gain weight? Sucking in her breath and pulling hard she finally managed to get the dress on, although she had no idea how she was going to get it off without ripping it. Stepping out of the changing room she saw her mother drifting in and out of the handbag section, thankfully not paying attention to her. She hadn't realised that her big sister had tagged along though._

_"Little sis!" Carol said, bounding over to her. "Wow. That dress is…tight."_

_"Shut up!" Lily hissed. "Quick, please help me get it off before Mom sees." Lily hauls Carol into dressing room._

_"How did you even get this on? It's so tight" Carol says, helping Lily manoeuvre the material around her thighs. "Plus, I thought you were practically anorexic, what's with the extra inch sis?"_

_"Ugh I have no idea!" Lilly says in annoyance. "I've been sick for days now. It's only a tiny bit, like a tiny beer belly. It just shows up more because I'm slim!"_

_Carol suddenly stops what she's doing._

_"A beer belly or a baby belly?" She eyes Lily, "sis when did you last have your period?"_

_Lily stopped forcing the dress. She'd been so busy with Rufus that she hadn't even noticed. "A while ago" she gulped._


	3. Chapter 3

Lily glanced at her watch nervously, she had ten minutes before her car would be here to take her to Grand Central and then her new life with Rufus would start. She swept her eyes over her luggage making sure that she had everything. For once she hadn't over packed and she smiled to herself, remembering the first time they had been on a trip together.

_"Lil?" he said to her looking perplexed, "what is all this stuff?!"_

_"Um, that bag is clothes, that bag is clothes, and the remaining bags are shoes"_

_Rufus surveyed her luggage._

_"Lil that's 3 bags of shoes?"_

_"Yes" she answered defensively. "Rufus everyone needs shoes."_

_"Yes but…" he opens one of the Louis Vuitton cases. "Unless you turn into a centipede at night you don't need this many pairs!" she watched as he pulled out one of the pairs; sky scraper heels with a dazzling green and black snakeskin print. He shook his head. "Lily, you do realise that we're going to be spending most of our time on the bus?"_

_Lily just rolled her eyes at him, she was becoming used to Rufus' non material ways. She was pretty sure he only actually owned 3 pairs of shoes, and he always wore the same old ratty rock band t-shirts. She knew he didn't understand the amount of clothes and shoes a person like her needed._

_"So, just because we're on a bus means that I can't look good?"_

_Rufus said nothing, and she watched as he tried to lift up one of the cases, dropping it back down when he realised how heavy it was._

_"Seriously Lil, this weighs more than my guitar! Do you really need all this stuff? And who's going to carry it around?_

_Lily bit her lip, truth was, she was so used to having someone carry her bags for her that she hadn't even thought of the practicalities._

_"I just assumed you'd have…roadies…groupies.."_

_Rufus laughed, "Lil, we're a small band doing a grimy pub tour, you're not exactly going on the road with Led Zepplin!"_

_Suddenly Lily felt embarrassed and uncomfortable. Perhaps making the snap decision to join him on tour wasn't such a good idea, and she felt silly bringing a hoard of designer shoes and dresses onto a casual pub band bus tour._

_Rufus, sensing her discomfort smiles at her._

_"Not to worry! It just looks like I'm going to have sore arms for the next two weeks!"_

_"I'm sorry Rufus, it's that….well…I'm expected to dress a certain way…in my world you commit social suicide if you step out in the same outfit twice in one week!"_

_She twiddled with her hair nervously._

_Rufus lent over the luggage and took the hand that she was encircling in her hair._

_"This…" he gestured to the bus, "this isn't your world, this is your chance to step out of that closeted world and make your own world."_

_"Our world" Lily said quietly._

_"Exactly" He manoeuvred her around her luggage, and tucked his arms around her waist, kissing her softly. "Hey, you'll know for next time!"_

_Lily felt himself blush, not just from the kiss but because he already wanted there to be a 'next time'. She tried to laugh the comment off._

_"We haven't even left yet, and you're already thinking about the 'next time'_

_"What can I say Lil, you make me look to the future." He avoided her eyes, feeling awkward and shy. There was a short silence, until Rufus cleared his throat. "Sorry, that was a bit much wasn't it?"_

_"No" Lily said softly, reaching up to brush his hair away from his forehead. "I think it's very sweet." She swung her arms around his neck, pulling him to her before kissing him deeply._

_"Mmmm" Rufus said mid kiss as he jokily squeezed her behind. "See, this is why I want you on tour with me."_

_Lily laughed, throwing her hair back._

_"Won't you miss hanging out with just the guys?"_

_Rufus pulled her back in for another kiss._

_"Nope, and besides, they're not as good kissers as you."_

Lily poured herself a tumbler of scotch from the decanter, feeling the need for some Dutch courage. She felt butterflies in her stomach at the prospect of spending a long weekend away with Rufus. No kids, no responsibilities, just the two of them, being their true selves in their own private world. The last few days had been stressful for her, worrying about the secret that had nearly been revealed. It made her uncomfortable that more people knew now, but she trusted that those in the know wouldn't say anything to Rufus. She'd tried so many times to have that conversation with him but as the years wore on and they both got on with their lives it seemed unfair to disrupt them with old news. As much as she tried to forget what had happened twenty years ago she never could, and she thought about their baby everyday.

Swallowing the scotch down she tried to concentrate her mind off of that subject and into dissipating the butterflies she felt. She scolded herself for feeling so nervous.

'For God's sake Lily you're a 40 something successful woman with two kids, not a nervous teenager!'

But the truth was, that she loved the way she could still get that fluttery feeling she was around Rufus. She poured herself another glass and swirled the liquid around the glass, letting it breathe; letting herself breathe. Out of all the men she'd ever been with, including her 4 husbands, none had ever given her the feelings of nerves crossed with excitement. William and Bart were both so wooden, serious, completely motivated by money, success and power. She had been taught early on in her life by her mother, that those attributes should be valued in a partner over everything else. A person's status, she would remind her is the only thing to be concerned about. Whilst Lily would never deny that she enjoyed her social status, and having money she had always felt deep down that there had to be more to a relationship than those face values that her mother scared for so deeply.

 _"But what about love?_ " she'd asked her once. Cece just laughed at her. "That doesn't exist dear."

Before she had met Rufus, Lily had played her mother's game, dutifully attending functions and balls with potential suitors that her mother had chosen for her. She found them all to be perfectly nice and polite, but no sparks ever flew and Lily would often find herself almost falling asleep whilst her clueless suitor would try to impress her with fancy stories - usually about yachting. It was so tiring to sit and nod politely and smile in all the right places.

She had almost resigned herself to the fact that her mother was right, and that she was doomed to a lifestyle of wooden men with no passion for anything meaningful, until the day she met Rufus and her 'world' as she knew it was turned on its head.

_As she stands in the audience, her camera strung around her neck she feels awkward and out of place. Carol, standing beside her squeezes her hand._

_"Don't worry little sis, no ones going to bite!"_

_"I know, but.." she gestures around with her hand. "This is not what I'm used too."_

_"Isn't that the point of this assignment? To photograph an event where you're completely out of your comfort zone?"_

_Lily half nodded. She'd been admonished by her professor for not, in his words, taking photos of anything 'real' She tried to explain to him that nothing was ever completely real in her world, apart from the designer wares, but he dismissed her with a wave of his hand and told her to go and photograph something out of her comfort zone. When Carol had suggested a grimy rock bar which was putting on a live band she knew this was her chance._

_Her sister pressed a glass in her hand._

_"Drink this, you'll relax." Lily sniffed the drink._

_"What is this? It smells like paint stripper?" Carol shrugged._

_"Drinking something other then high end label brands won't kill you Lily! Just think of it as adding to the whole experience. Oooh!" her attention was captured by the band arriving onto the small stage. She nudged Lily all the way down to the front so that she was standing almost directly in front of the lead singer._

_"Enjoy!" she said, turning away from her._

_"Hey! HEY! Carol! You can't leave me here on my own!"_

_Carol looked at her exasperated._

_"Lily this is exactly what you need to do to pass this assignment." She kissed her sister on her cheek. "Just enjoy the music and take some kickass photos, okay." Carol giggled "look, the lead singer is gorgeous! I bet he will photograph very well!"_

_Lily looked up at the lead singer who was messing around with his guitar strap. She had to admit that Carol was right. He was very good looking, clearly around the same age as she was but with a rugged, almost outlawish way about him. He looked completely different to the clean cut, polished boys that she usually met. She turned back to say this to Carol but she saw that she'd disappeared through the crowd._

_She turned her attention back to the band whilst unscrewing the lens off of her camera. The lead singer adjusted his mic and greeted the crowd._

_"Good evening guys! Great to see you all here tonight…we are Lincoln Hawk!"_

Lily set her empty tumbler down on the side, hearing the familiar 'ding' of the elevator signalling Vanya's arrival.

"Your car is ready" he said, reaching down and picking up her luggage. "Are you ready?"

Lily nodded. "Vanya I've been ready for twenty years" she said, smiling. Vanya nodded, to be polite. Lily let out a deep breath and walked to the elevator with Vanya.

'This is it" she told herself. 'There's no going back now.'


	4. Chapter 4

**Hope you guys are enjoying. I really hope that I'm on track with this, and that the characterisation is believable. Leave a review if you can"**

_Lily paced around her bedroom, frantically trying to remember when she'd last had her period. Her mind drew a blank. Three months ago? Two maybe? They had gone to Sayulita last year, and it was in that quaint fisherman's town, in a villa, that they had slept together for the first time. Since then it had it had been constant, sneaking off and doing it however and wherever they got the chance. Lily had had a few sexual partners before Rufus but sex with him was like nothing she'd ever experienced._

_Neither of them could leave the other one alone but it wasn't sleazy sneaking around sex like what she had experience in the past. When they made love she felt such a strong connection to him. It was euphoric, and addictive. She sat down at her desk and pulled out her diary looking for any clues that might shed some light on her situation. She'd given up recording her cycle ages ago as the pill made them irregular so she hadn't seen the point. Maybe that it was all it was, she thought, just the pill messing around with her hormones. She tried to breathe a sigh of relief but it wouldn't come. She had to admit that something did feel off…but she'd put that down to being emotional._

_Flipping to the back of the diary she looked at Rufus' phone number, even though she knew it off by heart. Tracing the numbers with her fingers she toyed with the idea of trying to call him again. She was about to reach for the phone when a figure burst into her room._

" _Carol!" she said, slightly stunned. "Don't you ever knock?"_

" _Sorry sis, this couldn't wait." She held out a bag. "I bought you a present."_

_Lily took the bag, noting the label on the paper bag._

" _You bought me a present from the pharmacy?"_

" _Well, I figured you weren't brave enough to actually go and buy one…"_

_Lily tipped the bag upside down and her eyes widened at its contents._

" _I don't…..I don't need to do a test. Yes I am,….quite late….but I'm on the pill Carol! And I take it everyday without fail…..I'm not pregnant, there's just no way I can be."_

_Carol folded her arms._

" _Who are you trying to convince here? Me or yourself? Because you're not convincing me, and deep down you're not convincing yourself."_

_Picking up the pregnancy test she turned it around to read the instructions._

" _I want to speak to Rufus before I do this."_

" _And how would that conversation go Lily? 'Oh, hi Rufus, I know we haven't spoken in nearly a week but I think I might be pregnant so could you drop everything you're doing and come and hold my hand whilst I take the test?"_

_Lily dropped her gaze back to the pregnancy test._

" _Thing is Carol" she said softly. "If I did say that to him, he would drop everything, and he would come."_

_Her hand hovered over the phone again._

" _I just want to speak to him, I miss him, and I don't understand what happened. I don't know who's at fault, the argument we had made no sense to me. And now I can't get hold of him, and I might be pregnant."_

_Her voice broke and her eyes filled with tears. She hid her face in her hands. Carol stepped over to her and put her arms around her._

" _There's no point in worrying him when there might not be anything to worry about. Let's just do this one step at a time, okay."_

_Lily nodded slowly._

" _Okay, I'll do it. Just give me a minute to go to the bathroom."_

_Carol nodded and left her sisters room. Lily alternated between staring at the package and the phone she had in her bedroom. The only person she wanted to talk to was Rufus, and she had no idea where he was. Blinking back her tears she shut her diary and headed to the bathroom._

He practically ran all the way to Grand Central. He needed to hear this news from Lily, needed to hear her say the words, needed her confirmation. He knew that CeCe wasn't lying. She was a lot of things, cold, cruel, manipulative and controlling but she wouldn't orchestrate a lie like this. There was no clear reason why she would. After she had left the loft, questions from the past that had never been answered began to be solved. The timeline of events from twenty years ago made sense now. They'd had a blazing row which was due to CeCe's meddling, and after ignoring her for a week he'd eventually answered his phone. She was desperate to speak to him, telling him that she had news to tell him that couldn't wait. He waited for her at the bus stop for two hours before realising that she wasn't coming. When he'd tried to contact her he had been told that she had been sent to school in France, and that he wasn't to try contacting her ever again.

She had returned in the same manner as she had left, in complete secrecy and had never given him an explanation of what had happened to her, or why she left without saying anything to him. She was different when she came back, and he had no idea why. It all made sense to him now. Lily had been in France, but instead of being at school she had been sent there to have their child. He shook his head, still not being able to fathom the words 'their child.' He slowed his run as he approached the building, and as he walked inside he scanned the area for Lily. Finding her, he stood by a railing and watched her for a few minutes, knowing that once he revealed to her that he knew what she had done everything that they had built up, and all their hopes for the future, would shatter.

_As soon as the band started playing the nerves and the uncomfortable feelings that she was experiencing dissipated. She found that by viewing the experience through the camera lens she was able to 'switch off' the rowdiness of the people around her and the grimy background of the bar seemed to fade away. She found herself surprisingly immersed in the music, they were actually good. She had to admit that the lead singer was extremely photogenic, and she loved the raw passion he clearly had for his music. He seemed so real, pure, untainted by greed, success and power. When the gig finished he looked down at Lily and blew her a kiss. And that's when she felt it. A spark._

He walks up to her as she waits patiently and he sees a look in her eyes that he hasn't seen for a long time. He almost hates himself for shattering the hope that she knows she's feeling but his paternal feelings and the betrayal he feels take over and as he stands in front of her he asks her the question that been plaguing him.

"What was it, a boy or a girl?"

He watches the pain creep into her eyes and he knows that he's hurting her, but all he feels is an overwhelming sense of loss; and he has no idea how it will ever go away.


	5. Chapter 5

****

As Rufus stared at her, she felt her heart breaking. She opened her mouth to speak but the shock of his words rendered her speechless. All she could do was stare at him.   
“I…..I” she stuttered over her words. “I didn’t…”   
“Think I’d ever find out?” She shook her head. “But you couldn’t tell me yourself?” His voice was raised. “Instead I had to hear it from CeCe! Twenty years later!” He looked down. “Twenty years, Lily….” He said sadly.   
She reached for his hand but he pulled it away before she could make contact.   
“No Lily, I can’t. I can’t even look at you right now.”

_“I’m too scared to look, Carol you look.”_   
_“It’s not ready yet Lily, another minute to go.”_   
_Lily stood up and paced the room._   
_“Oh God Carol, what if I am? Seriously, how in anyway would this be a good thing?”_   
_“Well you’ll probably give Mom a heart attack.” Lily glared at her. “Okay, not ready for jokes yet.”_   
_“Nowhere near.” Lily sank down onto her bed, leaning against the pillows. “Just tell me when it’s done.”_   
_Carol reached out and rubbed her arm in what she hopes is a supportive gesture._   
_“Whatever happens, I’m here for you.”_   
_Lily nods and rubs the back of her hand over her eyes. All she wanted to do was curl up with Rufus and pretend that none of this was happening. She hadn’t even thought of what she would do if it was positive._

_“I’m not sure I’m ready for this.” She admitted. “The thought of being positive, it doesn’t make me feel happy. I just feel scared.”_   
_“You’re only 19 Lily, of course you’re scared.”_   
_Lily wasn’t listening, and continued._   
_“And then there’s Mom, she hates Rufus! As if she’d ever let me keep the baby.”_   
_“One step at a time, Lily.” Carol checked her watch. “And the first step is here. The test is ready.”_   
_Lily let out a deep breath and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed._   
_“Do you want me to look?” Carol said._   
_“No, I need to do this.”_   
_She reached over and picked the stick up, turning it over so she could see the result. It was positive. As the result sank in her hands began to shake and she dropped the test on the floor. Suddenly she felt, hot, dizzy and unable to catch her breath._   
_“It’s…..positive….and I” Lily found that her breath was coming in short little gasps. “Can’t…breathe.”_   
_Carol was quick to act, manoeuvring her sisters head down by her knees._   
_“Deep breaths Lily.”_   
_She held her sisters hand as watched her try to calm down._   
_“I need to talk to Rufus” she managed to say. “I need to talk to him now.”_

Lily watched with a heavy heart as Rufus walked away from her. The moment he’s asked her that question she’d felt her heart drop. So the secret was out, and in the worst possible way. Suddenly the air felt suffocating, and she couldn’t breathe. Rushing out of Grand Central, pulling her bags behind her she was relieved to step out into the cold air. Putting her hands on her knees she bent down, trying to get the sir back into her lungs. She had wanted to follow Rufus, tell him her side of the story but the way he’d looked at her, like she’d performed the ultimate betrayal was too much. She knew that she had betrayed him, and she would always hate herself for that, but to see that same hate mirrored in Rufus’ eyes nearly killed her. She desperately wanted to go anywhere but home, she needed to be somewhere where she felt warm, comforted and safe, but the only place she truly felt that way was with Rufus. Pulling out her phone she called for her car. Going home and seeing CeCe was as far away as warm and comforting that you could get, but, she reasoned she had alcohol there, and that would have to do for now, even if it did mean having it out with her mother.

_CeCe noted how her daughter just glumly pushed her food around on her plate, and refused to engage with Andrew, the suitor who she had hand picked to escort Lily to this function. She downed her gin and excused herself from the table, making her way over to Lily who was seated on the opposite side. She bent down and whispered in her ear ‘excuse yourself please.’ Lily gracefully blotted her lips with her napkin and stood up._   
_“Please excuse me.”_   
_CeCe grabbed Lily’s hand and steered her away from the function tables._   
_“What is with you Mother?!” Lily says as they enter a quiet hallway. CeCe lets go of her daughter’s hand. “I could say the exact same thing about you.”_   
_“What have I done?”_   
_CeCe throws her hands up in mock despair._   
_“You are an embarrassment to me. You’ve been acting rude and unsocial all evening, and you’ve been acting secretive and ignoring your social activities for over a week now. And don’t think that I haven’t noticed you and Carol constantly sneaking around, whispering behind my back.”_   
_Lily shook her head._   
_“You wouldn’t understand.”_   
_“Oh….it’s that boy isn’t it? Rufus Humphrey.”_   
_Lily hated the way her mother said his name, it sounded so sour, and the disdain just dripped off of her tongue._

_“Oh Lily I really wish you’d stop wasting your time on that boy. He’s a nobody, he’s nothing! What can he offer you in terms of monetary support? He has no standing on the social ladder!”_   
_Lily felt herself getting hot with anger._   
_“None of that maters to me, that just matters to you. I love Rufus, and he loves me.”_   
_“So where is he then? You’ve been pining for two weeks now, so you clearly haven’t heard from him.”_   
_Lily had to admit defeat._   
_“I don’t know where he is, he’s not taking my calls.”_   
_CeCe couldn’t help the smug look that crept across her features._   
_“So he can be bought.”_   
_“What do you mean?” Lily was confused. “What did you do?!”_   
_“I offered him a substantial amount of money to leave you alone. And it seems to have worked.”_   
_The penny dropped._   
_“So you paid him to stay away!!”_   
_“That money is mere pennies to us, but to someone like Rufus that would be enough to start a life, a life away from you. Or help him with his…..band.”_   
_Lily stood up, anger flashing in her eyes._   
_“You had no right to do that! How dare you meddle in our relationship.”_   
_CeCe sighed._   
_“Look darling, I did this for you. That boy is no right for you! You’ll have no future with him.”_   
_“That is my decision to make, not yours! How dare you drive him away.”_   
_“I didn’t drive him away, he chose the money over you. Everyone has a price.”_   
_Lily stared at her mother, tears glistening in her eyes._   
_“I need some air.”_

_Striding outside she sat down on the steps. So this was why Rufus wouldn’t return her calls. She wasn’t surprised by her mother’s actions but she was surprised by Rufus’. She thought that Rufus knew how manipulative CeCe was, and she thought he knew that she wasn;t motivated by the same things as her mother, and she believed in love, and that she loved him. It began to sink in that she may have lost Rufus forever. It was a sobering thought. Heartbroken, single, and pregnant. And she had absolutely no idea what to do next._

CeCe heard the ding of the elevator and walked down the stairs. She wasn’t surprised to see Lily walking out of the elevator, bags in hand.   
“Darling you’re back, what happened to your trip with Rufus?”   
Lily walked straight over to the side bar and poured herself a tumbler of scotch. Downing it in one fell swoop she couldn’t help but think of how different she felt in this exact same spot merely an hour ago.   
“Mother please don’t insult me further by feigning surprise, you know perfectly well there was no chance that Rufus and I could take that trip together after you dropped that bomb. Thanks for that, by the way.”   
She eyed her mother as she poured another glass.  
“Darling I did that for you. Rufus had a right to know the truth.”   
Lily rolled her eyes.   
“Oh spare me! You could have told him anytime, you purposefully told him right before we started a new life together, in order to split us up. Again.”   
“And how could you start a new life with him without being honest about your past! He had a right to know, and you have had 20 years to tell him the truth. I gave you the chance to tell him, and you didn’t take it. Now that a couple of people know this secret it could well become public knowledge. And surely, hearing it from someone like Charles would be a lot worse then hearing it from me! Look. I know that my timing was off, but don’t you feel better now dear, knowing that he knows the truth?”

Lily set her glass down.   
“No, I don’t, because he just walked away from me. I have no idea what I can do now to fix this.”   
“He’s in shock. He needs time to process this on his own, once he’s ready, he’ll talk to you, I’m sure.”   
“How can you be so sure?” Lily blinked back tears.   
“Because, even though I tried to split you up years ago, many times….it never worked. Rufus loves you, he’s always loved you.”   
Lily shook her head sadly.   
“He doesn’t anymore. And he didn’t back then, you paid him off remember?”   
CeCe looked down, before looking up apologetically.   
“Yes, and there’s something I never told you about that. It turns out that Rufus can’t be bought. Not when it comes to you, anyway.”   
Lily stared at her mother. She had the feeling that she would need another drink.   
“What do you mean? You said…”   
CeCe interrupted her.   
“Yes, I know what I said, but….Rufus never cashed that cheque. A week after you went to France he turned up at my doorstep and tore the cheque up in front of me. He demanded to see you, but it was too late.”   
Lily left the bar area and sunk down on the sofa. All these years she had thought that Rufus had been paid to stop seeing her, and it had been a major factor in making the decision to give away their baby. Knowing that wasn’t true it only made her feel worse about what she had done.   
“Darling…”   
Cece tried to sit down next to her daughter.   
“Please, leave me alone.” Lily said, her voice shaking. “Just leave me alone.”   


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	6. Chapter 6

Lily rolled over in bed, unable to sleep. CeCe had left shortly after she had told her to leave her alone. Usually her mother would have tried to push the issue, but after her two admissions she had felt that she had done enough damage for one day and had thus left Lily alone in the penthouse. She’d gone up to bed shortly after CeCe had left, but after 3 hours of staring at the ceiling it became clear that sleep was alluding her. She scooped her phone up from the bedside table, even though she knew that she hadn’t missed any calls or texts. She scrolled down to the list of her last few calls. The last one she had made was to Rufus, when she called him to ask him to start a new life with her. Moving through the phone’s menu she forced herself to look at the last one from Rufus. It was sent an hour before they were due to meet and it simply said:

**“Packing now, can’t wait to be with you. And I’m bringing my guitar! Love, R”**

Glancing at the time she sighed. She should be in bed with Rufus right now, laughing, sweaty from the throes of passion; maybe Rufus would be softly playing his guitar….she blinked back tears as she put her phone back down on the nightstand. She knew that dwelling on the issue wouldn’t help her but she couldn’t help herself. She lay there for a few more minutes, trying desperately to think of anything else but her situation, but it didn’t take long for Rufus to pop back into her head. She wondered if he was asleep, or was he lying awake like she was? CeCe telling her the truth about Rufus tearing up the cheque and coming to find her made her feel nauseous. She should have never believed her mother’s lies. Everything could have all been so different. She closed her eyes momentarily before kicking off the covers and venturing downstairs. As she walked over to the decanters on the side table to pour herself a nightcap she heard the ding of the elevators. She dared to hope it was Rufus for about five seconds before she heard the clack of Serena’s heels on the flooring.

“Mom?” Serena rounded the corner as Lily sank down on the sofa, clutching her drink. “What are you still doing here? I thought you were going away with Rufus?” She stands and takes in her mother’s slightly dishevelled appearance. Lily responds only by taking a deep sip of her drink. “Mom?”

Lily looks over at her, distracted by her own thoughts.

“You’re home late darling.”

Serena moves over to sit next to her mother.

“I know, I didn’t mean to be…Mom what happened?”

“There was a……..a misunderstanding.”

“Do you think you’ll work it out?”

Lily shook her head.

“I don’t think so”

Serena could tell that her mother wasn’t going to divulge anymore information at this time. She placed one hand on her mothers supportively whilst the other tapped out a message to Dan.

**“R and L – SOS?!”**

_Lily sat nervously as her professor leafed through her photos of_ _Lincoln_ _Hawk._

_“These are good Miss Rhodes, very expressive. Much better than anything you’ve produced so far.”_

_Lily couldn’t help but smile at his words._

_“Thank you.”_

_She watched as he flipped through her photos again._

_“There’s still room for improvement, a lot of room….but I like what I see. The only thing I would say is that the majority of these are focused on the lead singer.”_

_Lily blushed, remembering the way he had blown her a kiss at the end of the gig. “I want you to go and see another band, but this time, focus on the whole band. See if you can take any candid’s backstage, maybe some of the crowd. I want the whole experience.”_

_Lily nodded, trying to remain calm, but when she saw Carol, who had come to take her to lunch she practically squealed._

_“Good news! He actually liked them!”_

_Carol smiled. “I knew taking you out of your comfort zone would work!”_

_“Yeah, and it gets better, he wants me to go and see another band and photograph the whole experience.” She spread her arms out for dramatic effect._

_“Perfect!” Carol said. “Lincoln Hawk are playing a bigger venue in a few days, and my friend works behind the bar, she can get you backstage! Well, behind the stage.”_

_Lily’s brow furrowed slightly._

_“Well, it doesn’t have to be the same band.”_

_It wasn’t the thought of seeing the band again that made her frown, it was quite the opposite. She hadn’t been able to get the lead singer out of her head since she saw the band play but she had thought she’d never see him again. She smiled nervously._

_“Okay…..set it up will you please.”_

Rufus lay awake, staring at the clock, watching the minutes tick by. He’d seen one turn to two and two turn to three. As the time elapsed he was sure that the red digital numbers on his clock appeared to get redder, and almost angry looking as the hours went by. The image of Lily waiting for him at the station, coupled with the crushed and hurt look in her eyes after he had shouted at her kept swimming in his mind. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand trying to erase the images. Perhaps he could have been more discreet or calmer with her, but his anger was so raw that he couldn’t help himself. It was still raw now. He knew that blowing up at her would automatically make her walls of defence go up, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to get any information out of her until they started to come down. He also knew that he would need a few basic facts from her to be able to find his child. He couldn’t push her, it would only ensure that she moved further away from him. He wanted her to come to him, to explain it all to him. Closing his eyes he pushed all the questions he needed answers to too the back of his mind, and after a few minutes he eventually succumbed to sleep. When he opened them again the digital numbers read a calmer, more reasonable hour of 07:00, he lay there for a while, trying to get his brain into motion when he noticed that his phone was vibrating. He rolled over and flipped it open, unsurprised to see Lily’s name flash on the screen.

“Hello” he said tiredly.

“Hi Rufus” she sounded just as tired as he felt. He wondered if she’d managed to get any sleep at all last night. “Did I wake you up?” Her voice was soft yet heavy with emotion.

“Kind of.”

“Sorry….I” he could sense her hesitation. “Could…could we meet up? I didn’t like the way we left things yesterday.”

“You mean you didn’t like the way I _left_ you yesterday.”

He responded in a snappy way and instantly regretted his words.

“Sorry…I’m just tired.”

There was another silence and he imagined her massaging her temples with one hand she way she always did when tired or stressed.

“Under the bridge? In about an hour?”

“Okay”

He flips his phone screen back down and stretches out on the bed. He closes his eyes for a few brief moments before hauling his tired body out of bed, hoping that a shower and black coffee would be enough to wake up his exhausted mind.  

_Rufus sat in the tiny backstage area of the bar, strumming his guitar softly. He was lost in his memory of the last gig, and, specifically, lost in the memory of the girl who was opposite him in the crowd. He’d noticed her as soon as they’d stepped onto the stage purely because she looked completely different from the grubby, rock type people who attended their gigs. He was sure that no one had ever come to one of their shows dressed head to toe in upmarket designer labels before. He had also noticed how nervous and out of place she seemed to be, until she got behind her camera that was. She seemed to visibly relax once she got behind the lens, and had even seemed to be enjoying the music. He didn’t wish to sound big headed, but he had noticed how the camera was predominantly pointed towards him, which was why he had purposefully blown a kiss in her direction at the end of the show. He couldn’t see her face properly because of the lights that had come on at the end of the show but he swore that he blushed. He found himself hoping that she would be in the audience tonight, and if she was, he wondered how he could get to meet her. She had been there taking photos of his band after all, so he figured it couldn’t be too difficult._

_“Rufus!” The sound of his name being called by Johnny the drummer snapped him out of his reverie. “Dude, we need to finalise the set list.” He looked at Mike, the bass guitarist. “What’s up with daydreamer here?”_

_“He’s pining after camera girl.” Mike said, with a wink._

_“Whose camera girl??” asked Johnny._

_“No one.” Rufus said defensively, standing up and examining the set list._

_“Some blonde girl from the last gig that Rufus couldn’t stop staring at.” Mike said._

_“I wasn’t staring at her; I was staring at her….her camera.” Rufus said, lamely. “Anyway, I doubt I’ll ever see her again, she didn’t exactly look like the sort of person who frequents gigs like ours.”_

_“Ha!” Mike said, “So you have been thinking about her then!”_

_Rufus frowned, knowing that the guys wouldn’t leave this alone._

_“I need a drink.”_

_As he rounded the corner to the bar he felt like an idiot. He hadn’t meant to stare at her, and hadn’t realised that anyone had noticed him staring. Walking up to the bar he ordered a strong drink, knowing that he would need to have at least a couple to put up with the ribbing he was going to endure from the guys all evening. He downed his drink and as the alcohol hit him he felt a bit calmer and ordered another one, planning to have it backstage whilst they finalised the set list. As he ordered, he failed to see Lily walk through the main entrance and round the side towards the small backstage area. Picking up his freshly prepared beverage he turned back to go to the bands area. He was so wrapped up in trying_ not _to think about ‘camera girl’ that as he turned the corner he found himself colliding straight into someone._

_“Hey! Don’t you ever look where you’re going?!”_

_He looked up to see that he had managed to run straight into, and spill his drink all over a petite blonde girl, who had a camera around her neck and a very annoyed look on her face._

 

Comments are good karma.


	7. Chapter 7

Dan looked down at his phone, trying to figure out what had transpired between his father and Lily last night. Serena hadn’t been able to offer any further information, and he happen spoken to his father since he bluntly informed him that he would never be with Lily, not now, not ever. He switched on the coffee machine as he began to hear various stumbling noises coming from his father’s room. His phone buzzed and he flipped it open, pressing on the flashing envelope icon.

**“Any news? Cece AWOL, Mum not saying anything, getting worried.”**

He quickly typed out ‘Not yet’ and placed his phone on the counter as Rufus came out of his bedroom.

“Coffee?” he asked.

“In the pot.”

Dan watched as his father shuffled over to the machine.

“Rough night?”

Rufus poured himself a drink and slumped on one of the stools by the breakfast bar.

“You could say that.”

Dan sighed.

“Look Dad, I don’t know what’s gone on between you and Lily but Serena’s texted to say that she’s worried about Lily, and that CeCe’s not there anymore.” Rufus stared down into his coffee cup as if he was hoping to find all the answers at the bottom of it. Dan continued. “I think Serena’s worried that this might have something to do with us…..you know, like how last time you were supposed to go away and Serena asked her not to go…so I..”

Rufus interrupted his son.

“This is nothing to do with either of you two, trust me. This is between me and Lily.”

“But Dad, if this is going to affect either one of us we need to know what’s going on.”

Rufus downed his coffee, and slammed the cup down on the breakfast bar.

“I’m not talking to you about this right now. This has nothing to do with you and Serena. This is a private matter between us.”

With that, he stormed off to the shower, leaving Dan alone, and more confused than ever. He typed out a text to Serena.

“No info. R just bit my head off for asking.”

Serena looked down at her phone as the message from Dan buzzed through. For Rufus to snap at Dan she knew it must be bad. Pulling on her robe she went out to the kitchen area of the penthouse. She found her mother in the exact same position she had left her, only the scotch had been replaced by coffee, and the nightwear by dark jeans and a white t-shirt.

“Hey Mom….you look…casual.”

She said it with a smile so as not to sound bitchy. Lily looked up from her coffee cup and managed a weak smile.

“Well, I’ve decided to take myself out for a walk so I can clear my head,”

“At half seven in the morning? Mom, seriously…..what’s going on?”

Lily stood up from the sofa and placed her empty cup on the coffee table.

“Nothing sweetheart, I just need some air, that’s all.” She went over and gave her daughter a kiss on her cheek. “Enjoy your day, darling. I’ll see you later.”

Lily grabbed her coat from the downstairs closet and jabbed the elevator button, sighing with relief when she stepped inside. She had no idea what she was going to say to Rufus; all she knew was that she had to see him. She leaned her head against the wall of the elevator, relishing in the coolness that spread against the back of her head. The walls of the apartment had started to feel suffocating and the lack of sleep and the stress she was feeling was starting to give her a headache. She closed her eyes, not opening them again until she heard the ding of the elevator indicating her arrival at the bottom of the building. She steeled herself, stepping out of the doors and making her way outside.

**Winter 1983 –** **New York**

_Lily stomped around her New York hotel room, wishing she’d taken the time to unpack. “Shoes, shoes, belt, handbag.” She muttered to herself whilst flinging garments about. “Ugh! I’m not looking for any of these things!!!!” There was a knock on the adjoining door and Carol walked through it, not waiting for a reply._

_“Sis it’s really early, what the hell are you doing!”_

_Lily looked up from the heap of clothes she was sitting amongst._

_“You look and smell like you’ve slept on a bar! And it’s_ _midday_ _.”_

_Carol groaned, before making her way over to Lily’s bed and lying down with a dramatic moan._

_“To you maybe, some of us didn’t go to bed until a couple of hours ago. Sis, I have a terrible hangover, and you banging away in here isn’t helping. And please close those curtains! Ugh….why is the sun so bright!!”_

_Lily chuckled to herself, suddenly feeling rather smug that she had left the party early._

_“Well that’s the punishment you deserve for partying until the small hours! And yes, I’m aware of the brightness of the sun. Once I find my antiglare lens I’ll be out of here and you can recover in peace. In your own room.”_

_Carol sat up._

_“Ooooh you’re off to take pictures of loverboy??!” she said, teasingly._

_Lily stood up and begun rifling through her drawers._

_“No I’m not.”_

_Carol looked at her questionably._

_“Why not? I thought he was here in_ _New York_ _, playing some gigs?”_

_“He is, but we didn’t make any specific plans…..a- ha!” Lily pulled out the lens she’d been looking for and tucked it inside her camera case. Carol started leafing through a magazine that Lily had left on her bed._

_“So you’re not going to see him?”_

_Lily took the magazine off of her sister._

_“I haven’t finished reading that yet! And no….it’s just by chance that we happen to be here at the same time. Now, I’m leaving.” She picked up her camera equipment and her handbag, adjusting them onto her shoulders. “I’m going to_ _Central Park_ _to do some work. Please, go and sleep off your hangover in your own room!”_

_As soon as Lily stepped out of the hotel the fresh_ _New York_ _air hit her, and she took a deep breath, relishing the feeling of the crisp air in her lungs. She felt almost blinded by the dazzling sunrays that bounced beams of light off of the freshly fallen snow. She loved how different_ _New York_ _was to_ _California_ _. Turning the corner, she made her way to_ _Central Park_ _, walking down to her canvas for the day, the ice rink._

_Settling herself into a rink side position she took out her camera, snapping on the lens she had sought for earlier. She smiled as she watched the figures whizzing around on the ice, enjoying the view in front of her. The glinting rays of the sun bounced off of the white on the ice, casting an almost glittery effect onto the people skating upon it. The atmosphere was magical, the sun and the snow making the rink look romantic. She wished Carol hadn’t mentioned Rufus, it was only by shear coincidence that they both happened to be having a winter break in New York, and, although they’d been dating causally for three months, no official plans had ever been made, and nothing had ever officially been said about their relationship._

_She sighed and leaned against the railing of the rink. She missed him. She missed his goofy smile, the way his eyes sparkled when he performed, the way he smelled, the way he kissed her. Suddenly she felt like an idiot for not making any plans with him. She picked her camera back up, concentrating on photographing the romantic scene in front of her._

_“Looks like this is the only romance I’ll be getting for a while” she said to herself._

He saw her first, waiting under the bridge for him. His heart tightened as he realised that it had barely been 12 hours since he saw her waiting for him at Grand Central. As he walked up to her he could see the exhaustion on her face. He was sure it was mirrored in his own face. She saw looked up and saw him, their eyes locking. She gave him a small smile.

“Hi” she said softly as he approached her. He had to resist the urge to kiss her hello, and instead, lent against the curved wall and looked at her expectantly.

“What have you got to say to me Lily?”

As soon as he said it he saw her eyes cast downward, and the small smile fade.

“I don’t know, I just needed to see you. I needed to apologise.” Rufus crossed his arms and sighed.

“I don’t want your apologies Lily; I want an explanation of why you did what you did. If you’re not going to give me that then there’s no point in us talking.”

“I don’t know..” her voice wobbled and she exhaled slowly, finding it hard to keep her emotions in check. “I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to you about this, I don’t know if I’m ready to revisit what happened.”

Rufus felt completely torn by his emotions, on one hand he just wanted to shake her, make her tell him everything and then at the same time he also wanted to comfort her. Standing in front of her he wasn’t sure which one would win out. He rubbed his eyes tiredly.

“You’ve had twenty years to come to terms with what you did; you can’t tell me you’re not ready!”

Anger and impatience were winning the emotion battle, and it seemed to be rubbing off on Lily. She glared at him.

“I will never come to terms with what I did. Never. And having to rehash these memories is painful for me. Really painful. Do you think I enjoyed hiding my pregnancy? Or being sent to France to give birth on my own?! I pushed our son into the world surrounded by strangers, and then I had to hand him over…..like he was just some unwanted…thing…”

Her voice broke and she turned away from Rufus, not wanting him to see her tears.

He stood there awkwardly for a few moments, his mind whirling.

“It was a boy then?” he blurted out.

The slight nod of her head confirms this. Sighing, he walks over to her and places his hand on her shoulder.

“Lil”

For some reason he had just assumed that she was happy with the decision she had made and had then never given it a second thought. He heard her take a couple of deep breaths, and she swiped her eyes before turning back to him.

 

“A few days ago, we stood right here and you told me that you would wait for me.” She reached out and took his hand. “Please, Rufus.” She searched his eyes, trying to gauge his response.

“I meant that regarding Bart, this is a completely different situation.”

“So what about us Rufus? Where are we now?”

Rufus dropped her hand and jammed it into his jacket pocket.

“We can’t be together right now.” He says bluntly, and then sees her eyes mist over again.

“We can’t keep doing this Rufus. _I_ can’t keep doing this with you. We can’t keep coming together and then being wrenched apart. We did it too many times twenty years ago, and we’re still repeating the past. I don’t want to keep leaving us as incomplete”

Rufus swallowed hard, trying not to snap.

“Honestly, I can’t even think about being in a relationship with you again. You lied to me, you ran off, had our child and gave it away without saying anything to me! Were you ever going to tell me?”

Lily leant back against the wall and closed her eyes, feeling the familiar throbbing of a migraine starting behind them.

“I would have, one day.” She said sadly. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. I’ve never forgiven myself; I don’t expect you to be able too. I was heartbroken Rufus; I thought you had finished with me. CeCe told me that she offered you a substantial amount of money to stay away from me, and that you took it.”

Rufus was silent for a moment, casting his mind back.

“I didn’t! I came to find you and ripped up the cheque.”

“But I didn’t know that!” Lily challenged.

“You believed her though. You thought I could be bought. I really….I really thought you would have known me better than that Lily.”

“CeCe was pressuring me, I wasn’t thinking clearly!”

“And instead of talking to me like a normal person you just believed CeCe and did what she told you to do.”

Lily shook her head.

“No. I didn’t do what she instructed. She was pushing for me to have an abortion.” Rufus was silent, trying to process everything she had just said.

“I need some time to think about this entire situation Lily. And I’m sorry, but the two of us will remain incomplete.”

With that he walked off and left her alone, for the second time within 12 hours.

 

Comments are good karma.


	8. Chapter 8

_New York_ _– Winter 1983_

_Rufus rolled over in bed, throwing his arm around the waist of the girl who was sleeping beside him. He nuzzled into her neck, sighing with happiness._

_“Mmmm…Lily” he said, half asleep. But it wasn’t Lily’s soft, sleepy voice he heard as he was expecting. Instead, he heard an annoyed voice._

_“Oh my God. I thought we covered this last night.”_

_He pulled away from the warm body next to his, blinking his eyes blearily._

_“You’re not Lily?” The girl rolled her eyes and sat up._

_“Congratulations! No, I’m not Lily. Like I said, I thought we covered this last night.”_

_Rufus sat up, trying to focus on the woman next to him who was definitely_ not _Lily. As soon as he did so he was greeted by the all too familiar pain of a hangover headache. He looked down and realised why. Multiple beer cans and a whiskey bottle littered the floor._

_“Ouch” he said. The girl beside him chuckled._

_“I thought rock stars were supposed to be hardcore!” Rufus sat back, leaning his aching head against the pillows._

_“I’m a musician, not a rock star. Well, not yet anyway.” The girl beside him laughed again._

_“Well, that’s certainly true. In my experience rock stars can hold their whiskey, and generally they can perform……if you know what I mean.” He looked at her in confusion. “You really don’t remember anything about last night do you?” she sighed. Rufus suddenly felt guilty. He wasn’t in the habit of inviting strange women back to his bed._

_“So we…….didn’t?”_

_“No. I wanted too, but all you wanted to do was drink and talk about your on again off again romance with Lily. You passed out, and I didn’t feel comfortable leaving you passed out on your own, so I stayed.”_

_Rufus felt a pang in his stomach when he heard her mention Lily, and that had nothing to do with the hangover._

_“I talked about Lily?”_

_“Talked…..sung….cried…”_

_Rufus looked aghast._

_“I didn’t cry?!”_

_The girl held her fingers close together._

_“Okay, no. But you were this close.” She checked her watch. “Well, now you’re conscious I should go. I think you’ll be okay. Apart from your severe case of lovesickness.”_

_Rufus managed a small laugh._

_“Look, uh…..thanks for looking after me last night.” The girl shrugged._

_“De nada.” He watched as she found her shoes and put on her coat. “Look, if you love this Lily girl, and you clearly do, why don’t you go and find her? Rich socialite…she’ll be in one of the best hotels here.” She quickly scribbled something down on a piece of paper. “And if you ever get over Lily, here’s my number.” She gave the paper to Rufus._

_“I doubt I will anytime soon, but thanks. Hey, what’s your name?” he asked as she walked to the door._

_“Alison. My names Alison.”_

As Rufus walked off she felt the hot pricking of tears in her eyes. She felt completely and utterly deflated. She had no idea of what she actually wanted the outcome of her meeting with Rufus to be, but she knew she hadn’t wanted it to end the way it just did. She wanted to tell him everything, about how scared and alone she felt in France, about how all she screamed during labour was his name, and that having to hand her newborn son killed her inside, and made her feel numb for years. That having Serena and Eric had been completely bittersweet, as having them only reminded her of what she had given away.

But she had said none of those things, too afraid to open the door to the past that she had locked inside of herself all those years ago. What she had said to Rufus about their relationship or lack thereof was completely true. How she had wanted to tell him everything when she had returned but was too scared to, how she couldn’t cope anymore with the constant push and pull of whatever they were. This was the second time in a year that she’d prepared to leave her life behind for a new start with Rufus. The first time fell through due to her sacrificing her happiness for Serena’s, and now it had fallen through due to a secret from the past. The past which now jeopardised their whole future. If they even had one, she highly doubted it after their meeting.

Walking through her apartment, she crossed over to her desk, hoping that revising some of Bass Industry’s finances would take her mind off of the whole Rufus situation. Still, she couldn’t ignore the throbbing behind her eyes that had started earlier, and was now getting progressively worse. As the numbers began to swim and merge into each other, and the throbbing spread to the base of her head she knew that a migraine had firmly landed. Taking off her glasses she massaged her temples, trying to work up the energy to go upstairs. After a couple of minutes she sighed, pushed the paperwork to one side and slowly made her way up the stairs. Taking her pills out of her bedside table she swallowed them and lay down on the bed not bothering to change. She quickly fell asleep, the pills making her mind free of Rufus for the first time in days.

_California_ _\- 1982_

_“Don’t you ever look where you’re going?” Lily snapped at the man who had just knocked a drink all over her. “This shirt is Alice and Olivia, you nearly wrecked my camera, and now I smell like I’ve had a bath in…” she sniffed her shirt. “I don’t even know what this is! What was in that drink?!”_

_It was then that she looked up and realised that she was standing in front of the boy who she’d seen so many times through the lens of her camera._

_“You’re….him…” she stuttered on her words, then blushed._

_“I’m Rufus” he said quickly, trying to alleviate her embarrassment._

_“Hi” she said. “I’m Lil-“_

_She was interrupted by the bands bassist Mike shouting Rufus’ name._

_“Dude! We need to sort the set list now!” He looked Lily up and down. “Woah it’s camera girl!”_

_Lily glanced at Rufus._

_“Camera girl??”_

_Now it was Rufus’ turn to blush with embarrassment._

_“Well he saw you taking photos of us the other night, and he really…”_

_A swift look from Rufus made Mike shut up._

_“Whatever…just be back with us in two minutes okay.” He winked at Lily. “See you camera girl.”_

_Rufus stared into his glass, wishing he hadn’t spilled his drink. He really needed some alcohol right now._

_“So, you said your name was Lil?”_

_Lily couldn’t help but smile at his clear embarrassment._

_“It’s Lily actually.”_

_“I prefer Lil.” He said, with a sideways glance._

_“No one calls me Lil” she said._

_“I bet no one calls you camera girl either.”_

_God he recovered himself quickly, she thought._

_“Well I prefer Lil to camera girl.”_

_“Lil it is then.”_

_He held out his hand for her to shake._

_“Nice to meet you Lil, I’m Rufus Humphrey.”_

Memories of the snowflake ball flashed into Rufus’ dreams. Lily standing in front of him looking perfect in her white dress, the words she had said. _“I’m doing it for me…I don’t expect anything…”_ Taking her into his arms for a dance….the way she had laid her head down on his shoulder, their hands intertwining, how everything had felt so perfect for those brief few minutes…

He sat up on his sofa, jolted awake by the images his mind had chosen to replay to him. Those two minutes had been so perfect, she was leaving Bart, Alison had left, Bart was still alive…and it had then all crashed and burned so quickly. The words she had said during their last meeting came back into his head.

_“I can’t keep doing this Rufus, we can’t keep coming together and then being wrenched apart…Please don’t leave us as incomplete.”_

That was the third argument they had had within the space of one day. He had seen the way she had looked at him before he left her, pale and emotional, and he had still just walked away from her. She didn’t cry very often, but something told him that she was close to tears after what he had said to her. He glanced at his phone, shocked when he saw the time. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep on the sofa, and he felt no better after getting rest due to the relentless images of Lily had flashing throughout his dreams. He toyed with his phone, checking that he hadn’t missed any messages or calls from her. When he saw that he hadn’t, he then began to feel guilty about the way he had left her. Sitting up on the sofa he dialled her number. He wasn’t surprised when there was no response, but he was concerned. Grabbing his keys and his wallet he stood up, keen to try to talk to her again. He didn’t want them to be left as incomplete either.

 

Feedback is appreciated. 


	9. Chapter 9

Rufus sat in the back of a taxi, watching the New York streets whizz by. He flipped his cell phone open and tried to call Lily again. Again, no answer. He sighed, hoping that she was okay. After a few minutes, the familiar sights of the Upper East Side came into view, and he thought about their meeting this morning.

_“We can’t keep doing this Rufus. I can’t keep doing this with you. We can’t keep coming together and then being wrenched apart.”_

He knew that he shouldn’t have just walked away, but he felt so full of conflicted emotions that he knew he had to go before he said something he really regretted. At the same time though, he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her until the pain went away, just like he’d wanted to do at the Snowflake ball, and when they had met under the bridge after Bart’s death.  

_“I’m waiting for you this time Lily, six months, six years…..”_

It had taken him a long nap on the sofa being plagued by dreams of Lily to realise what he had to do. He said he would wait for her, and that was exactly what he was going to do. The taxi pulled to a stop just outside Lily’s building; hastily he paid the driver and stepped out, taking a moment to stare up at the building that towered over him, looking directly up at the penthouse suite where he hoped Lily was. He wasn’t daunted by these buildings or this “Upper East” lifestyle anymore. Lily was many things now; socialite, rich society woman, Upper East side celebrity, but to him, she would always be the rebellious teenager who shunned the rich society side of her life and slummed it with him in a tour bus for months on end. He missed that carefree joyful side to her. She could dress herself up in the latest couture, have all the latest diamond jewellery dripping all over her, but she rarely smiled like the way she used to when she was younger, when she was with him. During the happier moments they had spent together since they had re met he had seen that smile again. It was the one that reached her eyes, and made them sparkle. He’d seen it again within about a minute of their first re-meeting in the gallery. He wanted her to always smile that way again, and he would know that the true Lily had come back to him, and had come back to herself. Standing by the soaring buildings he was reminded of one of his first trips into mainland New York, how he felt humbled by the sheer size of them, and the way that he could hide himself inside the shadows that they cast when the sun was at a certain equinox in the sky. Back then he always wanted to hide, masked in the darkness of the shadow cast from the buildings that seemed to be looking down on him.

He didn’t care about that as much as he used too. He’d spent most of his formative years in the shadows, constantly being told by CeCe that he’d never be good enough for Lily. And yet they continued to ebb and flow back to one another. The love and lust that they had felt as teenagers hadn’t dissipated over the years. That was clear after the night that they spent together that it wasn’t just unruly teenage hormones and blind lust that kept bringing them together, but real, true love that had only grown during their years apart, becoming so engorged like a star that had finally imploded the night before Lily’s wedding.

_She hadn’t planned to be there, she hadn’t planned to see him. Nothing had gone to plan so far tonight, she was supposed to have spent her night with Bart at their party, not going to see the family of the guy who unfortunately died whilst with Serena, and definitely not at Rufus’ gig, standing and listening to the man she had loved for all her life sing. It was very ironic, knowing that she had berated Rufus a few days ago for never having a plan._

_“That’s that problem with you Rufus, you don’t plan anything”_

_And now, here she was, standing there backstage, knowing she should walk straight out of there and get a cab back to Bart, however hearing his voice again brought all of her teenage memories flooding back. His voice was always her undoing, along with his seemingly unplanned carefree lifestyle. Lily knew that was why she was so attracted to him in the first place. A life unplanned. That’s what she secretly yearned for. CeCe had mapped out her whole life for her before she could even walk or talk. Flipping her phone out, she scrolled down the list of her contacts, pausing at Bart’s name. Bart was exactly the type of man who would feature in CeCe’s plans._

_“Live your life the way you want too”_

_As someone opened the door his voice became much clearer, and she was taken to a place in her mind where she felt free and there was no set plan in place for her. Placing her phone in her pocket she walked through the backstage door. Her plan could wait for now._

Rufus lent his head against the wall of the elevator, unaware that Lily had been in the exact same position merely hours ago. As the elevator doors opened with a whoosh, he stepped out into the hallway. He had expected to see Lily at her desk, or reading on the sofa but all that met him was the afternoon’s sunrays filtering through the windows and an eerie silence.

“Lil?” he called out. There was no reply. He wandered over to the window, looking down upon the hustle and bustle on the streets below. Fetching his phone out of his pocket he dialled her number again. As soon as it started to ring out he heard a buzzing sound. Vibration on wood. Whirling around he saw Lily’s phone on her desk, next to her glasses, and some financial papers that looked unfinished, like she had been working on them, and for some reason had decided to abandon. Rufus knew that she was unlikely to leave her phone at home, just in case one of the kids had an emergency. He picked her it up, and looked through her last calls. They were all from him. So, he reasoned it was completely unlikely that she had received an urgent call from someone else and gone out. Still though, he was concerned about her so he made his way upstairs. He found that the rooms on the upper level were just as quiet and empty as their downstairs counterparts. He left her bedroom until last and hesitated outside of it. It was slightly ajar so after some deliberation he pushed the door quietly open and stepped inside. Lily was lying on her bed asleep, her body curled towards the door. The curtains were closed, blocking out the hazy afternoon sun. He saw a bottle of her headache pills on her bedside table, and not wishing to disturb her in case she was in the throes of a migraine he went to close the door quietly. Unfortunately, his attempt to be furtive worked against him, and his phone slipped from his hand, clattering onto the floor. He cursed, causing Lily’s eyes to open and look blearily at him. He watched as her eyes slowly registered what was happening. Once they did, she sat up slightly, looking shocked.

“Rufus, what on earth are you doing here?”

“I didn’t mean to startle you; I just wanted to see if you were okay, and if you wanted to talk.”

Lily leant back against her pillows tiredly.

“I can’t argue with you anymore.”

Rufus watched as she massaged her temples, suddenly feeling guilty that he had come over and disturbed her when she clearly wasn’t feeling well.

“I’m not here to argue…..I’m sorry. I should have just left a note downstairs. I came to apologise for my behaviour, look. I’ll just go”

He made to walk out of the door but was stopped by Lily’s voice.

“Rufus wait.” He turned around. Lily shifted slightly in the bed, making a space for him to sit down. “Rufus I’m scared. What happens when the kids find out, they’re going to hate me.”

“They won’t hate you. I don’t hate you.”

She laughed hollowly.

“You should do.”

He took her hand, the first physical contact that they’d had in days.

“I said I’d wait for you. You were right, with what you said earlier. We can’t keep breaking like this, and being incomplete. Our relationship has always been fragmented and complicated. We could just about cope with it when we were younger, but this is different. So much has happened these past few months.”

Lily nodded.

“And now this…..it just adds a further complication.” She sighed again tiredly, and massaged her left temple with her free hand.

“Migraine?” Rufus asked even though it was obvious.

“It’s easing a bit now.”

He caressed her hand gently, rubbing his fingers over her knuckles.

“I meant what I said to you under the bridge. I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait Lil, I’ll wait until you’re ready.”

Lily leaned forward and took Rufus’ other hand.

“What do you want to know?”

_He had scanned the audience as he sung, not expecting to see anyone else but the faces of fans who had aged just as he had done. But then, looking to his left, he saw a face he had never expected to see again at one of his concerts. Lily. For a few seconds he couldn’t take his eyes off her, and it was like he was singing his song directly to her. As he looked away and the song ended he saw he make her way outside. Without even bothering to continue with an encore he quickly jumped off the stage and followed her into the dark._

_“Get out of my way Rufus”_

_“_ _No”_

_He should had told her no so many times in the past. “No. You’re not going back to that empty life. No, don’t listen to your mother. No. Don’t leave.”  It had taken him 20 years, but on that street, with the sounds of the next band warming up he finally said it. He liked the way she looked at him ruefully, the glint of nostalgia sparkling in her eyes. As she stepped towards him he was unsure of how she would react to his challenge. He had his answer in a crushing kiss, which he responded to immediately, running his hands up her back. He opened his mouth slightly to allow her tongue to slip in and do battle with his tongue. Her hands ran up his side and she tangled them in his hair. The kiss was soft, yet full of the unresolved sexual tension and passion that had been building over the last few months. As he caressed her top lip with his mouth, and tugged slightly at her hair, she broke the kiss off and pulled away from him. For a moment he thought she had changed her mind but she was flushed, and simply said. “Not here.” He nodded, feeling a rush of desire go through him. Pulling on her hand he flagged down a taxi and bundled her inside, giving the address of a hotel that he knew was close by. She turned to him, her eyes sparkling with a look that he hadn’t seen in years._

_“What about the band?” she said, her hand finding his, not wanting to break their physical contact. “Won’t they wonder where you’ve gone?” He pulled her close to him._

_“Probably. But I don’t want to think about hem right now”_

_Her lips found his again and he kissed her deeply, deeper that he had done on the street. He moved his lips down to the neck and started to kiss her tenderly down on her nape. She moaned slightly and moved into him. Suddenly he had a flash of Bart in his mind and he pulled away, needing to know that she was sure of what she was doing._

_“Lily….are you sure about this? I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t be part of your plan.”_

_He found his answer in the way she leant in and kissed him again. Holding his face in her hands she murmured to him._

_“No it’s not. But I don’t care.”_

 

_Feedback is much appreciated._


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